A few months ago, while redesigning the look of this blog, I searched for a photo of my twins to place in the header. But shortly before uploading a snapshot of my fraternal twin boys beaming at the camera, I realized that something was missing. My third and youngest son. The singleton. The non twin.
Although the photo that I ultimately did choose includes all three of my boys, it could also be a metaphor for the way that many singletons feel about their position in a family with multiples. If you look carefully at the photo taken more than six years ago when we were adding an addition on to our home, you’ll notice that the body language of my twins is very open while my singleton is sitting off to the side curled up in a ball as if isolating himself.
Now before you go and start feeling all sorry for him, or worse, start questioning how your own singleton relates to your twins or triplets, let me assure you that my son isn’t suffering (and yours is probably doing just fine, too). My youngest son is in no way an outsider to the family. Although born without a cotwin, he is very much a part of each of our lives and even an integral part of the twin dyad. He’s outspoken, refusing to take a backseat to his celebrity-status brothers, and funny to a fault. Unfortunately, I also wonder if he is all of these things simply because he was born after his twin brothers. I have often thought that my youngest is assertive because he’s felt the need to be. He had to be louder in order to get the attention, to be heard above the noise of the twinship. And I wonder, would he have been someone else entirely—say, serious and studious—if he were first-born or born a singleton among two other singletons rather than twins? Is he outgoing and the class clown simply because of his family status?
I’ll never know.
For some singletons, it’s not always easy to be the sibling to twins or even triplets. They either compete (like my son) or choose to not to and simply withdraw. For instance, years ago when I was interviewing families for my book, Parenting School-Age Twins and Multiples, one mom told me that their situation got so bad that her youngest singleton used to bring a book when the family all went out to dinner and would sit at the other end of the table and read in spite of the mom trying to draw her into the conversation. Obviously that’s an extreme example. But another mom told me that her singleton daughter confided in her, “You have Dad, and the twins have each other. I have no one.”
Yikes!
So does this mean that if you have twins and you’re expecting a singleton that he or she will be a family outcast? Hardly. But there are a few rules for the road if you’re the parent of multiples with a single-born child on the way that will help keep harmony within your clan.
- Focus on the whole family, not just the twins. Seems obvious, right? But it’s the little things that we do such as dressing our twins alike, wearing the “Proud Mom of Twins” T-shirt, signing Christmas cards, “John, Mary, Michael and the twins,” or introducing your kids with “These are my twins and this is my daughter,” that sends the message of separation rather than inclusion. In other words, don’t make a distinction between your twins and your single-born children. Think “inclusion” not “exclusion.”
- Tune into your singleton’s feelings. For example, I’m guarded about how much I talk about my work. I make a living writing about twins but I don’t want my livelihood coming at the expense of my youngest. I want him to feel on equal footing to his twin brothers. Therefore, when I’m working on a twin-related article, I often close my computer screen when my youngest approaches my desk to ask a question.
- Intervene in public. This is a biggie. When people approach you to ask about your twins (which as we all know happens often), have a “script” ready, one that deflects some of the attention away from your twins and draws it towards your singletons. For instance, when someone asks, “Are they twins?” include all your kids in your answer, “Yes. These are all my children.”
- Intervene at family gatherings. Politely steer the conversation away from too much talk about “the twins” and point out your singleton’s accomplishments as well. Grandma and Grandpa sometimes don’t realize that their compliments and pride of being the grandparents of twins can sometimes come at the expense of the other grandchildren.
- Just as you carve out alone time for each twin, find the time to take your single-born child out by himself, too. Every child wants to be seen as special by Mom or Dad.
- Mix things up to foster relationships between each twin and their single-born siblings. For instance, swap roommates among all siblings instead of automatically having the twins room together. Regularly take one twin out with your singleton so that they may build a strong relationship with him or her, too.
A friend of mine pointed me toward your blog and this post and I am very grateful that she did.
I have three daughters, five year old twins and a three year old who is often quite vocal and we say she seems to feel the need to be louder to ‘secure’ her place. She is strong-willed and bright and tries desperately to keep up with her older sisters.
There are some really helpful tips in this post that I will certainly be endeavouring to bring into how we parent our children.
Thank you!
Wow, Karen! We are very similar! My singleton is exactly 2 1/2 years younger, to the day. He used the SCREAM a lot when he was a little boy but thankfully that has stopped now that he’s 13. But when he was in fourth grade, we had a lot of trouble with him in class. He was a real class clown to a point where the teacher told me how disruptive he was at times. The kids thought he was “entertaining” and loved his antics, but the teacher didn’t. (In my son’s defense, the teacher was a young, male, who wanted to have “fun” with the kids. I’m not sure he laid down the law early enough in his classroom.) Anyway….I write at length about singletons in my book, Parenting School-Age Twins and Multiples.
Thanks for commenting!
Great article.. I don’t have a singleton, just the twins but found this really interesting. My hubby has twin sisters, but also another sister, so he and the other sister we very close, people often mistaken them for twins ( which surprises me as he has ID twin sisters lol )
I’ve shared this link for all my multiple birth friends!
Thanks for commenting Debbie! Much appreciated.
I found this article very interesting as I am the (now grown-up) younger sibling to twins. We are all girls. Growing up I knew no different – my sibling experience was, and will only ever be, having twin sisters. Sometimes people would ask what it’s like to have twins as sisters… my answer was as above, I don’t / can’t know any different, it’s my ‘norm’. And I think all children approach sibling dynamics in the same way: it’s a situation they’re born into (whether that’s with multiples, singletons or no siblings at all) and cannot control. They have no prior experience to with which cross reference. My sisters and I were always fairly close, and the age gap seemed unimportant as we grew older (and still even less relevant today).Naturally my sisters always had each other to share new experiences, they always had a partner to play/gossip/fight with. I can remember times when I was overlooked, couldn’t be involved or simply wasn’t needed. But every sibling experiences this at some stage. Interestingly, it wasn’t until I became a mother myself that I, with the help of a counsellor, started to understand the implactions of my unique sibling relationship – that it HAD impacted on my personality (for good and bad) and self esteem. Of course, environmental factors and other family dynamics all play a part. But I wanted to share my experience so that mothers of twins with (especially younger) siblings can be alert and aware. I’m not sure it’s something my mother ever considered or thought about. The upside to the age gap with my sisters is that I had mum to myself during the day for 5 years while my sisters were at school. Thinking back, I’m sure this was crucial in helping my feel special without needing the validation of specialness that comes with being a twin. I’m happy to share more or answer any questions.
Thanks so much for sharing your story Tessa. I do worry about my singleton and this is just a reminder that I need to tune into him more. He’s the most “independent” out of all of us. And when I asked him about this he said, “You have Dad, and my brothers have each other. So I guess I’m more independent.” I took that to me that he feels on his own sometimes. I don’t want him to feel that way.
Hi Christina, for some reason I didn’t receive notification of your reply until Mrs Black’s reply (below) came through. All this time I thought no-one had responded, and so I didn’t come back to check.
Being the sibling of twins is so unique, but I hadn’t properly considered it until a close friend wondered out loud on the affect it must’ve had on a) my upbringing, and b) my personality. You mentioned your son is the most independent. I can say unequivocally that I am also the most independent out of the 3 of us (my siblings and I). I had to be. And I’m now grateful for that.
As Mrs Black mentions below, the husbands are ‘along for the ride’ so to speak: the most important people in my sisters’ lives are each other. For good or bad. I’m not judging that. I think it’s part of the complexity of twinship. A bond beyond which singletons can comprehensively understand. I doubt my sisters are aware of this connection or how it looks from the outside.
I go through phases of being close to my sisters and then needing to distance myself. As I grow older I’m ‘awakening’ to their codependency: the sisters I perceived as distinct individuals whilst growing up really are innately connected with each other in a way I’ll never be a part of. Another form of rejection, isolation. That was my first instinct. Now I see it almost like a tangle they cannot extricate themselves from, nor would they wish to, I imagine. I guess they’re oblivious. And maybe it doesn’t matter. Maybe it only matters to us ‘outsiders’, the ones watching on.
Being a sibling to twins has ultimately led me to greater independence. As a kid I used to joke that I was ‘whole’ (i.e., egg) while they were two halves, needing each other to be complete. I wonder now if it wasn’t so far from the truth.
So nicely put. Thank you. I think these are lessons we can all learn from.
Pingback: In Solidarity (Or, Much Ado About Nothing) | Blog About Twins
Pingback: Design and Space: Tips for Organizing Your Teen Twins’ Bedroom | Blog About Twins
Pingback: Have Your Twins Ever Spent a Night Apart? | Blog About Twins
Pingback: 8 Tips to Parenting Older Sibling to Twins | Blog About Twins
I found this blog site while trying to find a discussion forum for siblings of twins and I felt compelled to post a reply. I am in my early 30s and the younger sister of identical twin girls; there is an 8 year age gap between us. Like Tessa (blog above), I grew up thinking my situation was ‘normal’ and was having no affect on me, although my eldest twin sister constantly referred to the impact they supposedly had on me. She often told people that I wished I was a twin, that I was jealous of not being a twin, and that I was messed up because I wasn’t a twin. I can honestly say that I have never once wanted to be a twin, but I have always felt a deep sense of being alone and from the moment I hit puberty I was on mission to find a mate for life. My sister was right about one thing though, they have both negatively impacted on my life and I have been battling confidence issues for years due to their bullying and manipulation of me and also our mum. I first became aware of this in therapy several years ago and have gradually gained some understanding, although at present I am still struggling with letting go of their ability to upset me without falling into the trap of hating them. My most notable character trait is my intrinsic need to please and although I can’t be sure, I suspect this evolved due to never being ‘good enough’ for my sisters. The age gap definitely worsened my situation and gave them more status, and my parents’ admit that they were soft on me because I had to contend with ‘two sets of parents’ and my sisters were particularly hard. These mixed messages were obviously confusing for a people-pleasing child to interpret. Due to her own issues/disfunctional family my mum wasn’t able to stand up to my sisters and they learned to dominate her from an early age; I think they were pre-disposed to this as they have never actually seemed to need her the way that I do; in fact even their husbands are treated like ‘twin groupies’, along for the ride, but non essential. The most useful thing I have learned about identical twins is their development of an un-natural ego. Even when indentical twins hold different oppinions they always understand and sympathise with each other. They are the only people on the planet who have a carbon copy of themselves to tell them that they are never wrong, and if those egos go unchallenged, as my sisters’ did, they get out of control. They have no concept of loneliness or insecurity because they are never alone, and are always reassured by each other, and this can lead them a tunnelled/ scewed view of the world, themselves and others.
On the upside, my sisters’ constant assertion that I was so different from them led me to explore those differences (Much like the singleton boy dressing as a girl in a related post) and in comparrison with them I find I have a better ability to cope with challenges and changes as I have had to face them on my own, which is something my sisters are unable to experience. I am more enlightened with regards to life and the world, where as they are stuck reassuring each other that there is no need to change or develop as they are both perfect the way they are.
Thank you so much for sharing this. Your honesty and insight is very powerful. As the mother to a three boys including a younger singleton, I’m always wondering if my single-born child is “getting lost in the shuffle.” I don’t want to make him out to be a victim because he’s not but at the same time I want to be sensitive to his place in the family. Not always easy to distinguish.
Thank you so much for this blog and to the people leaving comments. I have 3.5 year old identical twins and a 18month old singleton, all girls.
Up until recently everything has been great and they have all had their ‘part’..
My twins have a very, very special bond, always with each other even at day care and my little one is very independent. Recently we changed bubbaz cot into a toddler bed as she was climbing out and seemed to be very frustrated that her older sisters had freedom in the morning but she didn’t. But, all she wants to do is be in her sisters bedroom or my arms.. Should I put her bed in her sisters bedroom ? She also seems to be upset that her bed isn’t the same as her sisters big girl bed ! I know this age little ones can be clingy I just hate feeling that she might feel left out.. We’ve even contemplated having another baby so she has a buddy (also because we happy life and I would have 100 kids if I could!)
Also everyone pray for me for the hormonal teenage years LOL !
Your thoughts would be greatly appreciated !
My first response was, “yes!” Switch up roommates. We did it in our house. Your twins already have a strong bond regardless of what you do. Now it’s time to work on building the relationship with your 18-month-old and her sisters. Start now while she’s young. In our house, we have two bedroom for three boys. So we tried several senarios–first we changed roommates every six months. When that got to be too much (they weren’t happy about moving their stuff around twice a year), we made one bedroom a “bunk room” for sleeping only, while the other room became a “study/play room,” no beds, just a huge wrap-around desk, TV for gaming console, and computer station. Read about it here.
Also, try splitting the girls up in other ways. For instance, take one twin and your younger daughter out for an afternoon of running errands, then switch the next time you go out. In addition, try to find something that each of your twins has in common with your younger daughter, perhaps a love of a favorite game. Encourage each of your twins to “mentor” their younger sister. I realize that everyone is still very young, but start brainstorming now and coming up with ideas so that it won’t turn into a problem later down the road.
Pingback: “I’m All Alone, Again.” The Plight of the Singleton Sibling to Twins | Blog About Twins
Pingback: Thoughts… | Sister of Twins