Mothers’ Day Do-Over

Good news! This Sunday, May 21, is the official Mothers’ Day do-over. For those of you who flunked out on last Sunday’s event either from being too busy or just too lazy, you’re in luck! You are getting a second chance. This is your opportunity to raise your GPA, or your Good Person Account, which will bode well for you later in life when it’s time for reading of the will.

For your convenience, I took the liberty of putting together a simple-to-follow study guide for the upcoming do-over day. Please take a moment to review the bullet points as it will help you pass the do-over holiday with flyer colors. And please feel free to share it with your friends (mothers around the world would appreciate that).

Sharpen your pencils and let’s get to it!

  • Saying, “Happy Mothers’ Day,” is nice but it does not count as a Mothers’ Day present.
    Not even close. Well wishes first thing in the morning should be just the beginning of a lovely, fun-filled day with gifts and time spent with you, her child.
  • Don’t ask your mother what she wants to do for Mothers’ Day.
    She will always answer, “Oh, nothing,” but she doesn’t mean it. Ever. The expression, “Oh, nothing,” simply means, “Don’t do anything big,” like take her sky diving or riding into the room on an elephant. Mothers always want you to do something. Always. What that something is, however, is your responsibility. Use your imagination just like she used hers when she threw you countless themed birthday parties for the past 20 years. Besides, you’re a smart kid as you managed to figure out how to avoid having any college classes before 11 in the morning or on Fridays all together. If you can solve that logistical puzzle, you can certainly figure out that brunch at a nice restaurant or an afternoon family barbecue is the way to go. Take-out food, however, is not.
  • Don’t ask your mother what gift she wants for Mother’s Day.
    Again, she will say, “Oh, nothing,” but she doesn’t mean it. Ever. (If you’re confused, please see the bullet point above.) If you open your eyes and pay attention to her world rather than always being plugged into your phone, it will be obvious. If you really need some direction, however, flowers are always a good bet. But a bouquet from the supermarket or Trader Joe’s does not count. Yet, if you insist on going that route, for goodness sakes take the flowers out of the plastic and put them in a vase as it will up the presentation. (By the way, candy from a drugstore also does not count. See’s Candies, on the other hand, shows that you know your shit.)
  • Don’t forget a card.
    Store-bought cards are nice just as long as you write something a little more than, “You’re a great mom!” Take an extra two minutes and write why she’s such a great mom. Hand-made cards are always a lovely alternative but again, write something heartfelt and meaningful.
  • But forget about breakfast in bed.
    It may be counterintuitive since doesn’t everyone love breakfast in bed? Well no, we don’t. I don’t know who started that rumor but breakfast in bed is completely overrated. It’s simply too awkward to manuever the tray and eat at the same time. Instead, make a nice breakfast and then invite mom to the table to sit with you.

Well, that should cover it. If you take a moment to study these five points, your Mothers’ Day do-over should be a smashing success. See you Sunday! And don’t forget the bacon.

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