Reflecting on My Life as a Twin Mom

Last Saturday, my sons’ high school held their annual Mother’s Day Brunch. It was a beautiful event where we welcomed incoming freshman moms and said good-bye to outgoing moms of the senior class. The boys of the school took an active role in the affair as well. The drumline club greeted us with their rhythmic rapping as we walked into the center courtyard all decked out with colorful flowers and perfectly set tables shaded with umbrellas. The boys from the National Honors Society served us lunch as students from the drama department performed a few songs from their spring musical. Six seniors, chosen for their outstanding achievements, spoke on various aspects of school life from academics and sports to spirituality and service. (It’s an all-boy Catholic school in case you were wondering why girls aren’t mentioned.) It was all so perfectly orchestrated, filling us all with awe and thankfulness that we’ve sacrificed to send our kids here. But the highlight of the morning was when senior moms opened letters written by their sons. (Cue the sappy music.) Within minutes, there wasn’t a dry eye in the house. Moms, mentors and guardians quietly reached for tissues dabbing the corners of their eyes as the boys walked around the courtyard handing out long-stem roses to them. You’d have to be made of stone not to be moved by it all.hand holding pink flower

It was hard to keep my composure as I sat at my table taking it all in. Then a mom leaned in close and whispered, “Next year, you’ll be getting two letters.” It’s a thought that has been on my mind a lot lately. Sure, my sons are only juniors this year but I know that a letter from each—along with the end of their childhood—is coming soon. I’ve already joked with my boys that those letters better be written well. I wag my finger at them and say, “I don’t want the one paragraph ‘you’re the best mom’ kind of crap.” They smile. “From the heart!” I tease them, “you’d better write it from the heart!” But secretly I know any words—any hint of sentimentality—that they put to paper directed at me will turn me to mush as I’m simply not ready for them to grow up and leave the nest. Next year my heart will be broken not once but twice. (For the record, I’m tearing up now as I write this! Where are my tissues?)

Every day as I peruse the twin message boards on the Internet, I always smile at the posts from exhausted moms of newborn twins and the stressed-out moms of toddler twins. “Will it ever end?” they write. “Please tell me it gets easier,” they ask. I remember those days very well. I remember night after night stumbling my way to the nursery at 2 a.m. to tandem nurse my twins. It seemed endless. But then one day—poof—it was over and they were suddenly sitting at the table eating like big boys. And then came those crazy toddler years! They never stopped moving. They never stopped arguing over toys. As a stay-at-home mom, I often found it isolating and lonely. When it was particularly stressful, I found myself wishing away the day. But then one day—poof—it was over and suddenly they were in school. And now here I am, my 18-year lease on my twins about to expire.

Where did the time go? It’s difficult for any mom to say good-bye to her children as they leave home. If you’ve done your job correctly, it’s what’s supposed to happen. But when you’re the mom to twins, it’s doubly difficult.

So here’s my Mother’s Day message to all moms of young twins: embrace your chaos. Try to find a way to look for the funny in the ensuing insanity. I know it’s hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel but it’s coming. And too soon for this mom.A copy of the book Double Duty.

Moms of Twins: Rise Up Against the Naysayers!

From the moment she finds out that she’s expecting more than one, a mom of twins is bombarded with a long list of what to do and what not to do during her pregnancy. And with good reason since women expecting twins experience more complications than women giving birth to singletons. But when women carrying twins can’t meet these demanding guidelines or come up short through no fault of their own, many feel an enormous sense of guilt. They feel like failures as mothers even before they get a chance to be mothers!

These feelings of inadequacy can begin early especially if a mom used any kind of ART (assisted reproduction technology) to get pregnant in the first place. When friends or family refer to her growing baby bump as “Clomid Twins,” it’s not endearing but demeaning, a subtle dig that her babies were not conceived “naturally.” Even her pregnancy diet can become a pass-or-fail test. Although she needs to pack on some serious pounds by upping her calorie and protein intake substantially, some simply can’t eat that much food. But if her twins are born prematurely, underweight or both, she blames herself rather than simply marveling at the miracles that she’s just created.

Then there’s the whole C-section debate. Yes, it’s true, women pregnant with twins have more cesarean deliveries than the rest of the pregnant population. (It’s about 50 percent for twin moms compared with 33 percent for the national average.) And yes, there are folks out there who frown upon C-sections and either inadvertently, subtly or deliberately make a mom who has had a C-section feel as though she missed out on something special and meaningful by not pushing out her babies through an opening the size of her car’s tailpipe. (She’s not missing a thing—the end result is the same!)blue and pink baby bottles

This judgement continues once her babies are born especially if she chooses not to breastfeed. Once again, women with twins fall short. Although only about 50 percent of women with singletons exclusively nurse their babies for the first six months of life, mom with twins manage far less. The reasons are obvious ranging from short maternity leave and little support to the sheer logistics of feeding two versus one and keeping up an adequate milk supply.

Although I’m an advocate of breastfeeding, I’m not a fan of breastfeeding zealots, those women who believe unless you breastfeed your baby, he or she will be destined to a life of constant ear infections and obesity. In the past, I’ve just shrugged off these militant moms as a minor nuisance (I get their point but dislike their tactics) but this week it got personal when I received an unsolicited e-mail from a doula in Vancouver. “I was surprised that you have two bottles signifying life with twins,” she wrote, referring to the Talk About Twins banner on this website. “We know a lot of families that never have any need for, or choose not to use, bottles (ours included). It seems odd to have bottles normalized. No wonder many mothers of twins question their ability to nurse exclusively if all the twin sites present the expectation that exclusive nursing is unattainable.”

“Exclusive nursing is unattainable?” All that from a picture of two bottles? Really?

That colorful logo does not represent an anti-breastfeeding message to moms of multiples. I don’t have a hidden agenda. I’m not sending subliminal messages. And I don’t work for a baby formula manufacturers. As a mom of twins myself, I not only breastfed my boys for twelve months but formula never touched their lips. I liked breastfeeding and would encourage every mom to give it a try as it’s a wonderful way to bond with your newborns. Still, I found bottles to be very useful when my boys were infants especially when I returned to work and needed to express my milk so my husband, a freelance artist working from home, could feed them. Bottles, whether filled with expressed milk or formula, are an important part of every new mom’s arsenal. She needs them!

The irony of this doula’s e-mails (yes, she sent several before I wrote her back asking that she stop harassing me) had the reverse effect on me that she was trying to invoke. She just reminded me of how I hate close-minded intolerance. To me, there’s more than one way to be a successful parent, a good and loving mother. And just as I would never walk in your home and tell you how to worship God, I would never tell you how to birth or raise your kids. That’s your decision. You’re smart and you’ll figure it out.

Why we women continue to judge each other is beyond me. But it’s time for moms of twins to stop apologizing. To stop feeling guilty. We have a lot on our plates each and every day and we shouldn’t have to defend our choices to anyone.

So this summer, don those low-cut denim shorts and flash those C-section scars! It’s your badge of honor, and you earned it! Raise those bottles up in the air with pride, and let your babies suck with careless abandon. They deserve it, too. Remember, you are a mother to twins—strong, resourceful and you don’t take anyone’s crap. Least of all from someone who’s never walked in your shoes.

A copy of the book Double Duty.

Do Twins Learn to Share in the Womb?

This morning, as I listened to my teenage twin sons bicker loudly over who gets to plug his iTouch into the recharging dock first, I was reminded of an assumption we all have about twins—namely, they naturally know how to share. In fact, a few psychologists believe that twins have an inherent predisposition to sharing that begins in the womb.

But is sharing instinctive to twins? Personally, I’m not so convinced. Sure, twins amicably share a womb but don’t they have to? It’s not like they have a choice where one can move out! And as any parent of toddler twins can tell you, sharing is often the last thing their twins do willing. The Internet message boards are abuzz with frustrated parents of multiples seeking advice. Many moms and dads seem utterly perplexed when their toddler twins argue over a toy and flat-out refuse to compromise. Why, they wonder, is there so much hitting, biting, and crying between the pair?

toddler twin boys drawing pictures at a table.

My take on it? Since twins are forced to share from the moment of conception, they learn the skill out of necessity a bit sooner and perhaps a bit better than single-born children. But like most kids, twins can’t readily grasp the concept of sharing by the tender age of two. It takes time (not to mention patience). But multiples do indeed adapt, especially as they get older and more in command of their language and emotions. (So hang in there parents of preschool twins.) It’s then that twins become master negotiators as they bargain for that coveted toy.

Yes, sharing is a life skill that all twins need to master as it helps them evolve into competent, social beings. Those who learn to “share nicely” through compromise, bargaining and negotiating are better liked by their peers, and do better overall in school than those children who use aggression to get what they want. Here are a few tips to help you teach your twins how to share.

  • Have reasonable expectation. You can’t expect a two year old to wait patiently for his turn on a shared trike. When twins are young, it’s best to have large toys that they can easily share (double-sided easel, huge collection of large blocks, roomy play kitchen, etc.) or you’ll need two so each can play at the same time (two trikes, two Barbies, two Tonka trucks). Furthermore, tired and hungry twins forced to share is a recipe for disaster. Instead, use the old distraction technique: “Hey, who wants to have a snack?”
  • Allow for longer turns. Experts say that part of the squabbling over sharing erupts when the turn is too short in duration and the child is simply not done playing with the toy in question.
  • Prep them with several warnings. Use a timer or a clock to show how much longer your child can play with a toy before giving his twin a turn.
  • Set a good example by being generous and talk it up.  ”Hey, I just made some brownies that I would love to share with you!” Or, ”Wow! Your Daddy is sharing the newspaper with me! Thanks Daddy.”
  • Respect your twin’s right to his own things. Can twins be forced to share too much? Absolutely! Due to their unique circumstances—shared birthday, shared bedroom, a few shared friends, sometimes the same classroom, the same personal space, shared attention from Mom and Dad—twins are literally thrust into a world of what’s-yours-is-mine-and-what’s-mine-is-yours. Privacy and personal possessions can be scarce when you’re a twin. Yet when young multiples are possessive of their things, it may actually be healthy as it shows each child’s growing independence and self autonomy. In other words, they’re figuring out that each is an individual, not part of a pair. Just like single-born children, twins deserve their own clothes, backpacks, and of course, toys.   

Bottom line? Have patience while your twins are learning to share. And while you should encourage cooperation between your pair, set some boundaries and allow each child the opportunity to be a bit selfish!

A copy of the book Double Duty.

 

When Your Twins Have Opposite Personalities

From the moment they were born, my fraternal twin sons have had very different temperaments. “Twin A” came out kicking and screaming. Literally. Minutes after he made his very loud entrance, the doctors whisked him off to the nursery to check his breathing and run some tests. He was fine but now at age 17, he still kicks and screams! In other words, he’s my “challenging” child—head strong, opinionated, argumentative. (He’d make a great lawyer!)

“Twin B,” on the other hand, arrived in this world smiling. He didn’t fuss; he didn’t cry. In the recovery room, he gazed up at us for hours as my husband cradled him in his arms. He hasn’t changed all that much in 17 years either. He’s still easy-going—a people-person—well liked by his peers and teachers.

Obviously I’m painting my twins in very broad strokes. (“Twin B,” for instance, is far from perfect. He can be impulsive, immature and silly. “Twin A” is extremely articulate, engaging, and very charming when he wants to be.) Yes, there’s much more to their personalities than I can quickly explain here. Although they have many similar interests, and both claim to think a lot alike, the fact remains that their dispositions are polar opposites. And why is this important? Because it caused some social problems during early childhood.identical twin boys

Like most twins during those early school years, my boys were viewed as a two-for-one deal by their classmates. Out of sheer politeness or perceived obligation—I’m still not sure which—classmates sent out birthday party or play date invitations to both twins, even if the host was only friendly with my mellow twin. Although the intentions were well-meaning, it wasn’t always a good fit. Sometimes the host just didn’t gel with the other twin’s in-you-face, tell-it-like-it-is style, especially when compared to his cotwin’s easy-going demeanor. Over time, my twins were pigeonholed into these roles—easy twin, difficult twin—and the comparisons started, many negative. It helped when I got involved and stressed to families that it was OK to invite just one twin. But then a new problem arose: The invitations became lopsided with my mellow twin reaping many more offers than his brother.

Both my twins suffered. My mellow twin felt guilty that he got to go to birthday parties and sleepovers with friends more often than his cotwin. He felt a sense of obligation towards his twin, too. After all, his twin was also his friend. My challenging twin, on the other hand, felt jealousy, resentment. At such a young age, he simply didn’t understand the circumstances and turned his frustration toward his brother. It was my job as their mother to help my mellow twin give up his guilt and just live his life, and help my challenging twin examine his own words and actions and their effect on other people. But as someone who watched closely from the sidelines, I also wondered if the situation was exasperated simply because they were twins. Perhaps my challenging child seemed more difficult to his peers because he stood alongside a twin who was super easy-going. If he had been born a singleton with the same ornery personality (or even had a twin with an equally difficult personality), would it have mattered? In other words, was it the side-by-side comparison that became the problem?

Maybe. Maybe not. But I’ll never know.

The good news is that we eventually turned a corner but it took patience and tender guidance. To illustrate how far we’ve come—last week my challenging twin was elected Student Body Vice President of his high school, a position that requires strong leadership skills and the ability to relate well to one’s peers. A proud accomplishment, indeed.

If your twins have opposite personalities and it’s negatively affecting one or both children’s self-esteem, disrupting family life, or causing a rift within the twinship itself, consider the following tips.

  • Encourage your twins to pursue their own personal passions. When each can call something his own, whether it’s a sport or hobby, they are allowed the freedom to be true individuals. It builds their self-esteem and to trust in themselves. Furthermore, others will relate to them as individuals, not just one half of a pair.
  • Allow for sibling rivalry. All brothers and sisters fight. It’s normal and within reason, healthy. Twins need to feel comfortable expressing themselves even if it’s negative. If your twins can’t openly communicate their conflicting emotions, those emotions will simply slip under the surface where they will fester and grow. That said, however, you need to set boundaries. In other words, remind them that passive-aggressive behavior, name calling, or hitting are not healthy ways of handling any problem.
  • Consider short-term counseling for the socially struggling twin. A good therapist who specializes in cognitive-behavioral therapy can help your difficult child understand his behavior and ultimately learn to control or change the undesirable aspects of it.
  • Speak with your twins’ teacher/s. He or she sees your twins in a totally different environment than home and might have some insightful observations.
  • Consider school placement very carefully. Yes, separate classrooms can be helpful but it’s not a panacea for every twin ailment. If one of your twins is struggling to fit in or make friends, you may want to consider a fresh start at a completely new school especially when it’s time to move on to middle or high school as it can help break the negative cycle. Or, you may even consider enrolling your twins in separate schools, one that matches each child’s temperament and learning style.
  • Be patient. As your twins get older, they will mature, soften. With your loving help, they’ll soon realize that their actions and words have consequences, and when they do, they’ll begin to get control of their emotions.

A copy of the book Double Duty.

 

Help! My Twins Constantly Compete For My Attention

Question of the Week:

I have 23-month-old boy-girl twins, and recently over the past few months, they’ve both been competing for my attention and affection. My morning routine usually consists of cuddling with my early-bird son for about an hour, and then when my daughter wakes up, I like to cuddle with her. My son has been showing signs of jealousy and has been crying when he sees my holding my daughter. I’ve tried holding them together, and then they just hit each other. If I put my daughter down, then she starts crying. Any advice on how to handle such a difficult situation?
—B.H.

Answer: It’s a problem that every new mom of twins faces—two babies, not enough hands. What Boy twin hugging his cotwin sister.do you do?

Although it’s frustrating, competing for mom’s attention is a normal stage in childhood development, something that all siblings learn to control (notice I didn’t say outgrow) as they mature and learn to cooperate with each other. Yet when you have twins—two siblings who are at the same developmental stage in life—this twin rivalry seems more pronounced and therefore more worrisome when in fact, it is not.

It may help to look at this situation from your children’s point of view: Just as your son is enjoying his special time with Mommy, along comes his sister to break it up and take you away. On the other hand, your daughter wakes up to find her brother occupying all your time, leaving her to cry, “What about me?” Single-born children, however, have a period of time in their lives when they get Mom all to themselves—older singletons head off to school leaving the younger ones home alone with Mom. This is something that twins never experience.

When you look at that way, both twins have a legitimate reason to be upset with the other!

Now, let’s look at some ways to elevate the tension and bring about a peaceful solution. Start by encouraging each of your twins to voice their frustration or give them the words if they’re struggling to express themselves. (“You don’t want Mommy to hold brother? You want Mommy to cuddle with you instead?”) By verbalizing the negative emotions, you’re validating your children’s feelings without condoning the negative behavior. The practice shows them that you accept and love them, helping both children to build their self-esteem and confidence.

Next, think about transitioning away from cuddle time with your son a few minutes before you anticipate your daughter waking up. For instance, try engaging him in a special activity (such as a craft project or a favorite video) about fifteen minutes before your daughter wakes up. With his attention elsewhere, perhaps he won’t be so focused on you as you give your daughter some alone time. Furthermore, some moms in your situation have found that another person “playing interference” works well. Have your husband or partner take over with your son just before your daughter wakes up.

And finally, don’t stop offering one-on-one time with each twin. It’s so important not only for your twins’ individuation and social development, but also for your bonding separately with each of them, a challenge for some moms of multiples. Instead, brainstorm to come up with some different ways in which to carve out alone time with each child. During the weekends, for instance, simply take one twin to the store or for a stroll through the neighborhood for a half hour. Or enlist the help of a spouse, grandparent or even a baby-sitter—you each take one twin on a short errand and then all four of you can meet up for ice cream or at a neighborhood park.

If your morning routine continues to cause trouble, maybe you can forgo the ritual, at least temporarily, and focus on other times of the day to offer one-on-one cuddling. For instance, maybe you can hang out together in the afternoon or evening when another adult is around to occupy one of your twins. Your children will eventually outgrow this stage, and you’ll be free to resume your early morning snuggle-fest.

Have a question about your twins? Ask it here!

A copy of the book Double Duty.

Five Reasons Why Your Twins Dislike Each Other

For the most part, my teenage twin sons get along very well. But like all siblings, they have their moments. Big, loud, smack-down moments. It’s never easy to hear them speak rudely to one another, or worse, physically push or punch, but I only intervene when I see there’s an intent to kill.

Just kidding about the killing part. Well, kinda.

I’m lucky that my boys actually like each other. But that’s not always the case with every set of multiples. Not all twins are soul mates (including my own). Many twins are not best friends. In fact, some twins downright hate each other. (OK, hate is a strong word but it is an adjective that some twins use to describe their feelings for their same-age sibling.)

In the 15+ years since I’ve been writing on the subject of twins, I’ve received a fair amount of e-mail from distraught parents asking why their twins don’t get along. Although every set of twins is different and the circumstances surrounding the animosity that they feel for each other may be deep-seated, there are a few basic reasons why twins might dislike each other.

1. The Twin Mystique.

two boys fighting over a toy

Whether born identical or fraternal, twins are first and foremost siblings, and all siblings fight. Yet to the outside world, twins have always been something more. Something fascinating and mystical. Our society sees twins as soul mates, inseparable from the moment of conception, their happiness dependent solely on the strength of their bond. Psychologist Joan Friedman, author of Emotionally Healthy Twins: A New Philosophy for Parenting Two Unique Children, calls these misconceptions the Twin Mystique, the idea that twins are nothing without each other.

Yet some twins simply can’t live up to this romanticized view of twinship. How could they as they would deny their own individuality in the process? The pressure to fulfill these cultural expectations may prove too much for some multiples, resulting in anger and resentment towards the one person they believe is holding them back—a cotwin.

2. Twins Lack Privacy and the Chance to Fly Solo.

Being the same age and many times, the same sex, twins are automatically grouped together. They often share a bedroom, a classroom, a yearly birthday party, many of the same friends and many of the same after-school activities. They rarely get a chance to do anything without their cotwin. In fact, research has shown that the average twin doesn’t spend a night apart from a cotwin until age 14, compared to a single-born child who ventures away from the family for a sleepover or summer camp for the first time by age 9. That’s a gap of five years! Furthermore, they are expected to be comfortable sharing every aspect of their lives. In short, twins aren’t afforded the same opportunities for privacy and solo adventures as single-born children. And when you’re a child, unable to fully articulate your need for space, your desire to break free from living your life as a pair, it can manifest itself in other ways such as resentment towards a cotwin.

3. The Couple Effect.

In his research back in the 1970s, French psychologist, Rene Zazzo, found that twins who grew up together often tried to exaggerate their differences in order to be seen as individuals while those twins who were separated at birth and then reunited as adults often found that they were remarkably similar. Zazzo called this twin phenomenon The Couple Effect. There is sometimes a conflict within the twin relationship, he wrote, between the attachment to the other twin and the sudden need for differentiation, personal autonomy and independence. For some twins, the need to be seen as different from one’s cotwin can far outweigh maintaining a strong relationship with that cotwin.

4. Twins Have Been Raised to Feel Responsible for Each Other.

Some twins (including my own) feel a responsibility towards the welfare and happiness of their cotwin. Yet that constant accountability for someone else (Is he happy? Is he lonely? Do I need to step in and help him?) can be burdensome for some twins. The result? Uncomfortable with the role of guardian, many twins pull away, distancing themselves from their cotwin.

5. They Don’t Get Enough Parental Attention.

Sometimes with twins, we tend to let them parent each other. It’s starts when they’re young and we don’t get down on the floor and play with them as often as we would if they were born singly. We don’t need to—they have each other to entertain. So as they grow up, their relationship with each other strengthens while the parent-child bond never gets a chance to fully form. But for many twins, they simply can’t sustain that level of intensity with their cotwins.

Tips for Parents Whose Twins Dislike Each Other:

  • Give up on the Twin Mystique. See your twins are two separate individuals with two distinct personalities, and treat them as such. Being a twin does not give you any special powers.
  • Avoid dressing your twins alike, always encourage each child to explore his or her own interests, hobbies, and sports. In fact, introduce each child to different interests, hobbies, and sports!
  • Prepare your twins for classroom separation starting when they’re toddlers and separate them in school as soon as you feel they’re ready.
  • Allow for differences and disagreements between your twins. For instance, never say, “Don’t be mad at him; he’s your twin.” Sibling rivalry and arguments are a normal part of growing up. If you don’t allow for the negative feelings to be openly discussed, they’ll simply go underground where they will fester.
  • Offer as much privacy as possible. If separate bedrooms are out of the question, at least insist on respect for each twin’s personal belongings. Never insist on sharing; we all deserve our own “things.”
  • Never compare one twin’s behavior to the other as a way of shaming (“Why can’t you be neater like your twin brother?”) or as an incentive. (“If you get an ‘A’ in Spanish like your twin sister, I’ll take you both shopping.”)
  • Find opportunities for each twin to live life (temporarily) as a singleton. Separate after-school activities, separate summer camps, separate schools if each is on a different academic path. What about separate birthday parties? If one gets invited out to a party or sleepover, don’t insist that the other tag along, too. Allow each twin the opportunity to live life as an individual, not as a pair.
  • Always insist that each twin be responsible for his or her own life. If they both require lunch money, don’t give the money to the ‘responsible one’ but give them both lunch money! Never ask one twin to “keep an eye out” for the other or spy on him.
  • It’s never too late to start spending more one-on-one time with each child. It not only builds trust between you and your child but it also gives each twin the opportunity to confide in YOU.

A copy of the book Double Duty.

Should I Tell My Twins Who is Older?

“Should I tell my twins who was born first?”

If you had asked me this question 17 years ago when I was pregnant with my fraternal twin boys, I would have looked at you like you had two heads. Of course you should tell them. And true to my word, we never shied away from disclosing to our boys who was older even if only by mere minutes. What’s the big deal, right? But lately, I’ve been reconsidering my position, and now I’m not so sure and I wonder if their personalities would have been different if we hadn’t told them.

So what gives? What would make me reconsider?Would you tell your twins who was born first?

My doubt is due in part to a recent interview I had with my sons for this blog where I asked them what it’s been like growing up as a twin. (You can read part one of the interview here; part two is here.) Although there are very few secrets in my house as my kids have always freely expressed their opinions and emotions, it surprised me (shocked, really) when my “younger” twin told me that he feels indeed like the younger of the pair. Furthermore, my “older” twin confirmed that he often feels like he’s the big brother since his cotwin doesn’t always make good decisions. When the younger twin would suggest a questionable or dangerous adventure, for instance, the older twin would then enlighten his younger cotwin on the flaws in his plan and suggest another more productive (and thankfully safer) alternative—the stereotypical carefree younger sibling taking direction from the older, wiser sibling. 

So how did this happen? Did I set this paradigm in motion by casting them into these roles when I told them who was older or was it inevitable, instead evolving slowly and organically based on their innate personalities? (In my defense, my “older” twin has always been a bit more serious than his cotwin from the day he was born—cross my heart.) Hard to tell and obviously too late now. Furthermore, does it really matter?

The question “who’s older?” ranks right up there with the ubiquitous “are they fraternal or identical?” As parents of twins, we hear these questions constantly during the first few years from neighbors, coworkers and even strangers as we push that double stroller through the mall. But once our twins hit the school years, we no longer field those questions on a daily basis. Instead, our twins themselves take them on. Classmates, teachers, coaches—they all want to know and they all ask. And if you watch any twin, you can see how adept they become at answering. My own kids had a five-second shtick that went something like this:

Stranger: “Who’s older?”
Twin A: “I am!”
Twin B: “Yes, but I’m taller!”

This short bit would undoubtedly send the stranger into fits of laughter, my twins satisfied in contributing to their amusement. But if my twins didn’t know their birth order and said so when asked, would the questions have stopped or just changed direction: “What do you mean you don’t know who’s older?”  or “Did you ever try to find your birth certificates to look?” or even, “Who do you think is older?” (I’m sure they would have come up with another entertaining gag to satisfy their adoring public.)

Some say that when twins know who was born first, it sets up a rivalry between the pair. I’m not so sure about that. There are plenty of things that twins compete about—from grades and sports to parental attention and friends—I’m not sure birth order is one of them. Instead I worry more that I’ve somehow restricted a part of each them by simply making one older.

Check out this adorable video made by two British twins. “The Younger” has a great interpretation on the whole birth order question.

A copy of the book Double Duty.

How to Beat Twin Mom Guilt

All moms feel guilt but no one does it better than a mom of twins. That feeling of inadequacy that many mothers experience at some point in their lives? Double it for the woman with a baby on each hip.

So what do moms of twins feel guilty about anyway? They feel guilty when they have to divide their time between two babies or when they spend more time with one twin than the other. They feel guilty when they are drawn to one baby more than the other, too. Tired and exhausted, they feel guilty that they can’t do it all and desperately want some help. And they feel guilty when breast-feeding their duo is simply not an option for either health or personal reasons.

Whew! That’s a lot to take on. (Perhaps you can relate?) But let’s put this all into perspective, ladies.toddler twin boys dressed in red shirts

First, a small amount of guilt is actually good. It’s your mind’s way of checking yourself, a motivator to be a better person, a better mom. It can offer clarity. Asking yourself, “Have I given both babies enough alone time today?” makes you evaluate your behavior and perhaps make positive changes. That said, however, too much guilt is counterproductive. Constantly criticizing your parenting (“I’m such a bad mom. Why can’t I breast-feed my twins?”) is destructive and just plain useless.

So if you’re a mom of twins who feels guilty, take these steps to keep it in check.

Get help.

Stay-at-home mom or full-time working professional, if you have twins, you simply can’t do it all (or at least do it all very well). Nor should you. You need help. But you don’t have to be über wealthy to afford it. You just have to use your imagination and look in the right places. For instance, tap into your arsenal of relatives—in-laws, nieces and nephews, sisters and brothers—they’re all fair game. No family close by? What about a college or high-school student looking to make a few extra bucks a week? 

And what about the guilt (ugh—there’s that word again) about leaving your sweet cherubs with a stranger? Hiring a baby-sitter is not only good for you and your mental health but it’s also good for your twins as they’ll learn to be around different people and not just Mom or Dad. Whether your head out the door or simply hang out in the next room, you’ll come back to your twins refreshed and upbeat.

Take advantage of “moments.”

Moms of multiples feel like they never get any one-on-one time with each child. Although regularly carving out an afternoon alone with just one twin is vitally important, if you can’t swing it give yourself a break and take advantage of “moments”—those small slices of time that by themselves may not mean much but over a period of a week can amount to plenty. For instance, take your time while diapering each of your twins. Gaze into his eyes, nibble on his toes to make him laugh or blow some raspberries on his belly. If one child wakes up earlier than the other, quickly whisk him out of the nursery before he wakes his brother and then spend a few minutes cuddling together on the couch. Even taking one baby with you to run a quick errand to the post office is an opportunity to make that intimate one-on-one connection that builds the bond between mother and child.

Nurture yourself.

Three mornings a week, I head out the door at 6 a.m. for a brisk, four-mile walk with my female neighbors. We work up a sweat and talk about everything from family and career to fears and frustrations. It’s cheap therapy and great exercise.

What’s the point? Find your passion and indulge it.

Don’t hide your guilt.

Instead own it. Acknowledge it. Talk about it with your significant other or at the very least, a good friend. Get it out in the open. And then dial it back.

A copy of the book Double Duty.

The Evolution of My Twins’ Birthdays

When I was about ten years old, I was good friends with a girl in my class who was an identical twin. One summer, she invited me to her birthday party. I showed up with just one gift. I don’t remember many details of the day but I do have a vivid memory of swimming in her pool with all the other party guests, fumbling around with an apology that went something like this: “Well, I guess you guys could always share the gift.” She wasn’t impressed and just rolled her eyes. Even at the tender age of ten, I knew that I had committed a social faux pas and I felt like a complete idiot. Two birthday girls, two birthday gifts. Duh!

The irony of this story is not lost on me. Not only do I now have twins but I write about ways in which to avoid this exact type of situation.

Two tier fireman cake

photo courtesy of Pattycakes and Cookies

Thankfully, however, at age 17, my twins have gotten old enough to where they don’t seem to care about getting gifts from party guests. Just this past birthday, for instance, they had a poker and pizza evening (“Don’t call it a birthday party, Mom.”) with some guys from school. I was not allowed to bake a birthday cake, let alone two. Half the kids who showed up didn’t even know it was their birthday, and my boys were more than fine with that.

Wow, have times changes! When my twins were little, I used to stress about their birthday party, thinking of unique ways to personalize the event for each boy (the Olympic theme party worked well). There were always separate guest lists and separate invitations. I dutifully baked two cakes, and we sang to each boy individually.

When they were little, they shared the day. Now? Not so much. Sure, they had a joint poker “evening,” but our family celebration was a bit splintered for the first time ever. You see, one of my twins now has a girlfriend and he wanted to spend his birthday with her. Completely understandable. My boys are getting at that age where they prefer the company of their peers to the family. It’s sad but a reality that all parents face sooner or later. I gave him my blessing telling him that we’d just postpone our celebratory dinner at a local restaurant for another night. It seemed like a good solution, right?

Wrong!

“It’s my birthday too,” complained his cotwin. “I want to go out on my birthday and I shouldn’t be penalized because my twin chooses to do something else that night.”

Good point.

But this is all new territory for me. Even though I try my best to treat them individually, they have to share their birthday, don’t they? Maybe not.

After a bit of deliberation, we decided to go out and celebrate one twin’s birthday, a first for our family, and I have to admit, a bit strange. But times are changing with my twins and so is their relationship, and I just need to step back and let it evolve on its own.

This year’s birthday had another “first” that I need to share. On the Big Day, my son’s girlfriend showed up at his school with a surprise lunch from Panda Express—for both boys, not just her boyfriend. Furthermore, she gave each boy a birthday gift, too. A thoughtful and loving surprise for both my sons. Her boyfriend (my son) was touched that she took the time to not only recognize his cotwin but to honor their twinship as well. His cotwin (the currently unattached twin) was surprised and equally delighted by the gesture. (“I mean, who does that Mom?”)

What a great and caring young lady! So where was she when I was ten?

A copy of the book Double Duty.

How Can I Keep My Identical Twins Together in a New School?

Question of the Week:

My identical twin girls are in the same kindergarten class at a small school and are doing very well together. But my husband has been transferred to a different city and the girls will be going to a much larger school next year. I want them to stay together in the same class next year but I’m afraid the school will separate them. I have to enroll them next week when I meet with their new principal. Any advice? —J.C.R.

Two blonde twins dressed in red shirts.

Answer: Don’t assume that your daughters’ new school will arbitrarily separate them. More and more school administrators are educating themselves on the special needs of multiples. First order of business, however, is to call the new school directly and ask what their policy is concerning siblings and classroom placement. If they tell you that it’s their practice to separate all multiples, ask to see the policy in writing. (Few have such written guidelines.) Next, contact your daughters’ current kindergarten teacher as well as the school’s principal and ask them both to write letters outlining how well your daughters functioned together in class. For instance, ask them to comment on your daughters’ social development, and how they interact with a variety of children, not just with each other.

If during your meeting with the new principal, she advocates for separation, listen and address each of her concerns calmly. Point out that there are no published studies indicating that placing twins together has an adverse affect on the children. (In fact, there are several research papers that suggest just the opposite. Google “classroom placement and twins” to see what’s available. Many are published in research journals and will require a small fee to access.) You may also explain that since your daughters will need some time to adjust to their new city and school, you’d prefer to have them together. If she still balks, ask if you can place them together on a trial basis. (The thinking here is that your daughters will do so well that the principal will all but forget about the situation.) If you still meet with resistance, you can always try calling the superintendent of the school district and ask for a meeting to state your case directly.

In the meantime, however, you should be prepping your girls for the day when they will ultimately be in separate classrooms. You can successfully accomplish this by regularly spending one-on-one-time with each daughter separately and encouraging each to pursue her own activities, sports, and hobbies.

Have a question about your twins? Ask it and I’ll answer it here.

A copy of the book Double Duty.