May 16, 2012

Why Do Twins Fight?

As parents of multiples, we’ve all been programmed to believe that our twins, triplets and quads should be best buddies and soul mates. And many are. So it can be very disturbing to watch our multiples go at it with each other. But fight they do and often. But why? The short answer? They’re siblings. All siblings fight. Period.

For twins, the fighting usually begins in toddlerhood with toy wars. Unable to effectively communicate with words (“May I please have a turn with your new Little People toy?”), twins instead freely grab what they want when the mood strikes and it’s usually from the hands of their cotwins. I’m sure you’ve seen the results to this strategy. Face clawing, hair pulling, hitting, biting, crying.

Sigh.

Yet it’s completely normal and actually healthy as it’s the beginning of their understanding of how to negotiate with one another. Although twins incorporate sharing into their lives sooner and more often than single-born children, it’s not instinctual. They have to learn the art just like every other kid on the block. But many toddler twins are simply not emotionally ready to share at such an early age. Thus the screaming, crying and hitting. Furthermore, experts say that intratwin fighting is merely a tool that each child uses in forming his or her own identity.

Rest assured this is just a phase and it will pass. I promise. In the meantime, try these proven techniques.

  • Separate the offender. Remove the hitter, bitter, scratcher from the area of play with a short (about two minutes) time out and stern warning, “You may not hit.” Then offer comfort to the injured party.
  • Try distraction techniques. If you see a skirmish about to explode into full-on warfare, step in quickly. “Hey, who wants to go to the park?” Or, “I think we have popsicles in the freezer. Who wants to go check?”
  • Recognize the good behavior. On those rare occasions that your multiples do lovingly share with each other, make sure you notice and enthusiastically praise them for it (“I like how you shared your new Little People toy with your brother!”).

By preschool and early school years, however, the toy wars happen less often. Many twins by now have developed a close bond—they may share a classroom, many of the same interests and often friends—but that doesn’t mean that they won’t fight. It just takes on a different form, usually verbal bickering and tattling.

At this stage in their development, twins begin to reach out to friends beyond the twinship. Yet if one twin is reluctant to leave the comfort of their little twosome, it can cause friction between the pair.

Another culprit? Constant twin comparisons. You know what I’m talking about: “Who’s taller?” “Who’s the smarter twin?” and, of course, “Who’s the bad twin?” When twins are exposed to comparisons on a regular basis, it can lead to sibling rivalry as each tries to one-up his cotwin in an effort to become the “better” compared twin.

Furthermore, many school-age twins simply spend too much time together. Yes, they love each other. Yes, they are friends. But even best friends need time apart so that they can experience life on their own. Every twin deserves to have a solo adventure, a unique personal journey that doesn’t have to share with a cotwin. Twins who have spent their entire lives together may not realize that their bickering comes from too much familiarity with their cotwins. It’s a parent’s job, therefore, to put some space between their twins even if the twins resist at first.

Although this phase shall pass too, there are a few ideas to help calm the waters.

  • Consider classroom separation. Twins tend to spend 24/7 with one another. Separate classrooms allows each twin a bit of breathing room. At the very least, separate classrooms eliminates some of the tattling. And when twins come together at the end of the day, they have lots to share and talk about with one another.
  • Don’t insist on constant twin togetherness. For instance, if one twin gets invited to a birthday party or play date, resist the urge to pick up the phone and ask if his cotwin can tag along. Preschool is the time when twins will start getting separate invitations. Use that time to take the uninvited twin out for a little mommy-and-me alone time.
  • Allow each twin to pursue a separate interest. It’s so much easier to shuffle both kids to the same lessons and after-school sports but if one shows an interest in soccer while the other would prefer to take tennis lessons, make the extra effort to encourage their different endeavors.
  • Resist the urge to compare your twins. A no-brainer.

So what about your twins? What do they fight about and how do you handle it?

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You can read more about toddler twins as well as school-age twins on my website Talk About Twins.

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April 26, 2012

An Olympic Themed Birthday–Perfect for a Party of Two

It’s tough coming up with clever ideas for your kids’ birthday parties year after year. And when you’re the parent of twins, there’s the added stress of making it special for each child. After all, you want to celebrate their unique differences but you don’t want the added bother of organizing and hosting two separate parties. But finding one party theme that can showcase both personalities, focusing on each child’s likes, can be tricky. Talk about pressure! But with the Summer Games just around the corner, why not try an Olympic theme?

In the winter of 2006, we threw my fraternal twin sons an Olympic theme party which coincided with the Torino Winter Games. Each child got to be the captain of his own team, with his own friends. So it became two, parallel parties. A big hit!

First, the invitations. Simple store-bought cards are fine but why not create tickets to the event? Design your own, alter one that you find on the Internet, or if you’ve been lucky enough to have ever gone to the Olympics, scan your old ticket and doctor it up on Photoshop or similar software. That’s what we did and loved the results. Each boy had his own personalized tickets that he used to invite five of his friends.

Next, decorations. After a little brainstorming with my boys, we decided on a banner welcoming the athletes (a.k.a. party guests) as well as a string of flags being sensitive to include each party guest’s ethnicity. (We found photos of the flags on the Internet.) Both banners hung over our medals podium, milk crates in varying sizes covered in colorful plastic tablecloths–one for silver medalists and one for gold (we opted out of creating a bronze podium but you could easily add that if you have the extra time and energy).

Olympic-type activities kept party-goers entertained. Three-legged races, indoor Nerf basketball, relay races and so forth. A quick search on the Internet gave us a host of ideas. At the end of each competition, gold and silver medals were awarded to the winners along with a trip to the medals stand. But this is where I got nervous. Would a group of 10-year-old boys think it was too baby-ish? Not a chance! That, they said, was the best part of the party! They loved being awarded their gold or silver medals with all the pomp and circumstance–everyone gathered around and cheered–and proudly wore the medals around their necks for the remainder of the party. Plus, they got to take them home as party favors. The medals, by the way, were easy to make. I found little balsa wood stars at my local crafts shop. I painted them either gold or silver and then strung red, white, and blue ribbon through each one.

The menu? Italian, of course! Meatball subs, pizza, calzone–the kids loved it all–and two birthday cakes (always). For this year’s Summer Games in London, your menu could include fish and chips or bangers (sausages) and mash. Or keep it simple with hot dogs and pizza.

Summer’s heating up and so is the excitement surrounding the games in London. Why not tap into the energy and throw your twins an Olympic-theme party that they’ll never forget?

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April 18, 2012

7 Must-Haves for Your Twin Pregnancy

In the weeks leading up to your twins’ birth, your mind is in overdrive. From getting your twin nursery ship-shape to taking a tour of the hospital where you’ll be delivering, there’s lots to do. And while these 7 Must-Haves may not be on your to-do list, they sure will help smooth the way for a calmer first month once you’re home with your twins.

1. Patience. Make no mistake–the first few months with newborn twins are a whirlwind of emotions both high (“Look how sweet they are! How did we ever get so lucky?”) and low (“What have we done? My life is over!”). Both extremes will bring tears to your eyes. To help you persevere through the tough days, however, you’ll need a good healthy dose of patience. But how do you embrace a sense of calm when both your babies refuse to go back to bed at 3 a.m and you haven’t showered in two days?

Acceptance.

It’s hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel, especially when you’re in the thick of it all. It’s nearly impossible to believe that very soon the chaos will end. But it does end. It really does. The colic will dissipate. They will eventually sleep through the night. You will lose the baby weight. The trick is to give into it all, to accept that this is what it’s like having twins and only time will change your situation. Just breathe deeply and follow Must-Have tip #2.

2. A Sense of Humor. Poop can be funny. I promise. So is spit-up and even red-faced screams. When both babies are wailing and you’re in the middle of the supermarket and you feel yourself beginning to sweat, take a beat and try to step out of the mayhem mentality and view your situation from afar. Float overhead as if you’re having an outer-body experience. Now take a look. I assure you, it will seem funny. Smile and think, “Wow, this will make a great story someday!” Because it will.

3. Realistic Expectations. No, you may not be able to follow your birth plan to the tee. In fact, your twins’ birth may be nothing like you had envisioned and include an emergency C-section. Don’t let it ruin the experience as a whole for you. Besides, once you hold your babies for the first time, it won’t seem to matter as much.

Or you may not have the energy to host your annual holiday family gathering if your twins arrive shortly before Christmas. But, again, rather than perseverating on what you’re missing, focus on what you have right in front of you and enjoy the quiet moments together. Perhaps this will be your new family tradition.

And, no, your house will not be immaculate and neither will you as you’ll scarcely find the time to shower let alone blow dry your hair. But it’s all OK. Let it go as it’s only temporary. Your life will slowly return. Differently, of course, but it will return!

4. Well-Stocked Closets. Head to the store weeks before your babies arrive and stockpile a three-month supply of the following: diapers of varying sizes (the more the better as they don’t spoil), formula (if you’ll be bottle-feeding), pantry items such as canned tomatoes, beans, soup, and even shampoo, detergent and soap, and finally, a variety of birthday and holiday cards as well as generic birthday and holiday gifts. Why?

Freedom.

During those first few precious months, the last thing you’ll want to do is head to the store for a midnight diaper run or make a mad dash to Target because your youngest has a birthday party and you forgot to buy a gift.

5. A Freezer Full of Pre-Made Meals. From beef stew to chicken pot pie, the more premade meals you have stocked in the freezer and ready to go the better. When I was a new mom, the last thing I wanted to do was cook, especially in the evening during the “witching hour.” They were a true sanity-saver.

6. A Great Stroller. This is your lifeline to the outside world so buy the best one that your budget will allow. One that’s well rated, lightweight and easy to fold up as you’ll be in and out of your car with it and your duo often.

7. Several Baby Stations Strategically Placed Around Your House. When one baby needs a diaper change do you really want to traipse upstairs for a fresh diaper and leave his cotwin to fend for himself? Of course not! Instead, create small baby stations in several parts of your home so you won’t have to go far for supplies. Fill a decorative basket, for instance, with a changing pad, diapers, wipes, burp clothes, and pacifiers. (And don’t forget to replenish often.)

* * *

Read more about your twin pregnancy on the Twin Pregnancy page on my website, Talk About Twins.

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April 3, 2012

How Will You Tell Your Twins About the Birds and the Bees?

Growing up during the 1960’s and 70’s, sex was never discussed in my household. When I asked my mom where babies came from I was simply told that a woman prayed for one. So imagine my surprise when I finally learned the truth about the birds and the bees in the fifth grade and at all places, Girl Scout camp. One cold winter night nestled inside my sleeping bag by the glow of smoldering lodge fire, the whispering began. In clinical detail, a girl my own age explained the mechanics of sex to a captivated audience. I was horrified. To my innocent mind, it was worse than hearing a gory ghost story. “That’s not true!” I cried. “Not my parents!”

The other girls turned sympathetically toward me. “Poor thing,” they tiskked. “We’re upsetting her.” Yet I seemed to be the only one who found this information troubling.

Once I got home, I had to know if “the rumors” I had heard were true. Cautiously, I approached my mother as she primped for a night out on the town with my dad. As she sat filing her nails with a big hair dryer hood ballooning over her bobby-pinned head, I pulled together what courage I could and yelled over the drone of the dryer motor everything that I had learned at camp. “Is it true?” I screamed.

My mother’s mouth dropped. (Was this the first time she had heard it, too?) I imagined the dryer hood popping off her head and blowing a hole right through the ceiling. She gulped hard and simply answered, “Yes.” From the seriousness of her face, I could only imagine that the act of sex was as unpleasant as it sounded. I ran from the room confused and upset. And that was the first and last time my mother and I ever spoke of sex.

As I got older and over my shock, I swore I’d be open and honest with my children about it all. As I entered adulthood, I spoke of sex easily with my girlfriends and ultimately my husband. After all, sex was a good thing, right? From the moment my twins could talk, we’ve always used the correct names for body parts and without embarrassment. So naturally I assumed that the explanation of those parts and how they fit into the scheme of life would be easy.

I was wrong.

When “Twin B” was seven years old, for instance, he asked what “sex” was. Taken completely by surprise, and not knowing exactly how to answer, I pretended I didn’t hear him. And when he asked again, I quickly came up with, “Hey, anybody want some ice cream?” Fortunately, my distraction technique worked. The questions stopped. Yet I felt guilty. Was I no better than my own mother? Why wouldn’t I truthfully answer him? Did I secretly feel that if I told him what he wanted to know that he’d start cruising the school playground looking for conquests?

During the next two years, I managed to successfully dodge those questions for months convincing myself that my boys were too young to hear the answers. (Perhaps that’s how my mother felt.) But finally during the summer of my twins’ ninth year, the jig was up and I couldn’t bluff my way around it any longer. While in the car headed to our local swim club, my three sons and I had “the talk.” It still wasn’t my idea, mind you, especially since their younger brother was in the car with us. But they asked and I decided it was finally time to answer.

I don’t remember how the conversation started, but one innocent question just naturally led to another until finally, “But how does the baby get in there?” left me no choice. And so the lesson began.

By the time we had reached our destination, the boys and I were laughing, a far different response from when I asked my mother about sex. “That’s the most disgusting ritual I’ve ever heard of!” giggled “Twin A.” His brothers howled at his astute observation. I turned off the motor, and continued to giggle right along with them. I assured them that when the time came they would change their opinions.

We were having fun, I thought. I wasn’t frightening them or scaring them the way I had been more than 40 years ago. They trusted that everything would be OK because of the manner in which I approached it—with humor, understanding, and love. They took their cues from me.

When we got home that night, the boys couldn’t wait to tell their father what they had learned. My husband sat stone-faced and quiet at the table as they related every detail. “What’s the matter, honey?” I asked sweetly. “Do you have a headache?”

“No,” he whispered. “But I’m getting one.”

Right around bedtime, the boys walked into the den only to hear the word “sex” said on television. The first of many times, I’m sure.

“Hey, mom! They mentioned sex,” one twin cried excitedly. “Now I know what they’re talking about!”

Great. And so it began.

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March 22, 2012

Myths and Truths About Twins (OK, Maybe Just My Twins)

As a parent to teenage fraternal twin boys, I’ve been around the proverbial block when it comes to hearing all sorts of misconceptions surrounding twins. (“How come they don’t look alike?” or “Which one is the evil twin?”) I’m sure you’ve heard them, too. Here are a few that you may not have heard and the truth behind them.

Myth: Twins make great study partners.

Truth: My twins can’t study together, especially for a test. When friends hear that my boys share a few high school classes, they always chirp, “How great! They can study to gether!” Well, not really. It may seem like the perfect set up but in reality, it’s the perfect storm. They start out nice enough but it doesn’t take more than 10 minutes before the yelling begins, or worse, the laughing starts and the studying stops.

So why doesn’t it work out? Like all children, each of my boys has his own learning style and it doesn’t match his cotwin’s. For instance, one son likes to listen to soft music while studying; the other has to have it perfectly quiet. Furthermore, one son is a visual learner–he can read something a few times and retain it. His brother, on the other hand, is more of a kinetic learner–he has to write his lessons down several times before they’re committed to memory. These differences simply don’t mesh when it comes to preparing for a test and both boys end up frustrated with the other’s inability to adapt.

Lesson Learned: Just because they’re twins doesn’t mean they have identical learning needs. I’ve tried to tune into each child individually and for me that has meant accommodating their separate styles. (Music man wears headphones, for instance.)

Myth: Twins can read each other’s minds.

Truth: They may have a shared understanding or have plenty in common but that’s more generational or environmental than telepathic. It sure would explain why when I yell, “What was your brother thinking when he left the milk carton out on the counter all day?” And his cotwin answers, “How the heck am I supposed to know! I can’t read his mind!”

If you believe your twins are telepathic, however, try this fun experiment next time they have a few friends over. Have everyone sit together and then show them all the same set of eight simple flashcards–dog, cat, bird, car, house, bicycle–you get the idea, until they have the pictures visually seared in their memories. Then pair the kids up with a partner, making sure your twins are not paired together. (This is your control group.) Have the partners sit back to back and show only one child a single flashcard. Have him concentrate on the picture for a moment and then ask the other child, his partner, to guess what the picture is by reading his partner’s mind. Repeat using the remaining cards and note how many the partners get right. Once you’ve tested each group, and each partner has had a chance to be the mentalist, change partners but this time put your twins together and then duplicate the experiment noting how many pictures each partner gets right. Your results will probably be similar to several scientific studies that performed this same test on groups of identical twins. Their findings? Twins are no more telepathic than any other group of close friends or siblings.

Lesson Learned: If you want to know something about one of your twins, ask him. Don’t rely on his cotwin to try and explain his cotwin’s actions, thoughts or emotions. He may not “read” them right.

Myth: Twins can feel each other’s pain.

Truth: My twins enjoy causing each other pain! Yes, my boys are the best of friends but they are also the worst of enemies and know the exact button to push to get a rowdy and often visceral (a.k.a. physical) reaction. It’s what siblings do best. Multiples who tend to know each other a bit more innately than single-born siblings are especially good at it, too.

Lesson Learned: As long as there isn’t any blood shed or punches thrown, butt out. No, I’m not advocating violence in any shape or form and if your twins are young, by all means step in and separate them. But, for those of us who have adolescents and teens, fighting is merely their way of strutting their stuff, learning the art of negotiation, and just plain figuring out how to be a teenager. Instead of jumping in at every scuffle, act as a quiet referee from the sidelines.

Myth: Twins always have opposite personalities. (Has anyone ever asked you, “Which is the Evil Twin?”)

Truth: Sometimes. But it’s been my experience that twins tend to “specialize” in certain roles and instead complement each other. For instance, in my house “Twin A” is the Academic Secretary. He always knows which assignments are due and when, while “Twin B” is the Social Secretary. He’s the one on the phone every Friday afternoon, networking with their group of friends figuring out whose house they’ll hang out at for the weekend or which movie they should see. Both boys are very comfortable with his brother’s role. ”Twin B” regularly asks his cotwin for homework help while “Twin A” loves that his calendar is full.

Lesson Learned: It used to bother me greatly that “Twin B” would rely on his brother to fill him in on certain assignments until he pointed out that it’s no different from calling another kid on the phone for the assignment or posting a question on Facebook for other classmates to answer. And my dislike of ”Twin A’s” riding on “Twin B’s” social coattails? My girlfriend set me straight saying her teenage son was just like that–rather than organizing the fun, he’d wait to see what others had planned and then join in if he felt the desire. Singleton or multiples, some kids are just more comfortable hanging back while others like to take charge, she said.

Lesson learned.

* * *

For more information on teenage twins, check out my book, Parenting School-Age Twins and Multiples, or the School-Age Twins page on my website, Talk About Twins.

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March 12, 2012

Your Twin Pregnancy–Week Six to Eight

Welcome to Part Three of a new series called Your Twin Pregnancy. Click here for the last post, Your Twin Pregnancy–Week Four to Five.

Your Twin Pregnancy–Week Six to Eight

Like some of you reading this post, I learned I was pregnant with twins right around Week Six. A few days after I had taken a pregnancy blood test, my doctor’s office called asking me to come back in for an ultrasound as my test had an “elevated level of hCG.” I panicked but the nurse assured me that there was no need for worry. “We just want to see if you miscalculated the date of your last period or if you’re pregnant with twins,” she said.

As I was always one of those women who marked the day my period arrived on a calendar, I knew something was up. I tried to warn my husband that we could in fact be expecting twins but he balked at the suggestion. His attitude soon changed to utter surprise and shock for there on the ultrasound screen were two little flickering heart beats. Twins.

If you get called in for a transvaginal ultrasound early on in your pregnancy, you too might not see much on the screen but rest assured that by Week Six (a mere four weeks after conception) the brains, kidneys, livers and spines of your twins are developing rapidly although each baby is barely larger than the size of a grain of rice. By Week Eight, your babies have hands, feet and even elbows, too. Fingers are beginning to form.

It’s also between Week Six and Eight that you may begin to experience some pregnancy symptoms, you know, those pesky problems that plague all pregnant women during the first trimester but unfortunately are heightened for moms carrying twins due to a higher concentration of hormones. You may notice, for instance, that you’re getting tired way more easily. That’s perfectly normal as your body is busy at work nurturing two growing babies. In fact, you should slow down and take it easy! Start getting into the habit of taking frequent rests preferably lying down on your left side as that will increase the blood flow (and nutrients) to your babies.

You may notice a marked increase in your appetite, too. Don’t fight it! Although a mom-to-be expecting a singleton requires about 2,300 calories a day, mothers pregnant with twins need a minimum of 2,700 calories a day (3,100 is optimal). Give into your cravings (mine were hamburgers) and load up on those calories with special attention paid to protein. In a multiple pregnancy, protein is king as research has shown that protein puts the weight on babies and helps prevent preterm labor and premature delivery. And the earlier the weight gain the better as it aids in the development and function of the placenta. Aim for a weight gain of 20 pounds by 20 weeks.

Week Six to Eight Pregnancy Tips:

  • If you suspect you’re pregnant, start taking a daily multivitamin until you get to the doctor’s office where she’ll write out a prescription for prenatal vitamins. However, make sure your over-the-counter substitute contains enough folic acid, known to help reduce the risk of neural tube birth defects such as spina bifida.
  • To help fight morning sickness, don’t let yourself get too hungry for that’s when symptoms exasperate. Instead, try to keep a constant flow of food going all day. Many small snacks rather than three large meals tend to curb the feelings of nausea. As strange as it sounds, keep food with you at all times–a snack in your handbag or briefcase, one in your car, and even one in your office.
  • Slow down! Cut out strenuous exercising such as aerobics, cycling or hiking, for instance. Less activity means fewer burned calories leaving more for your growing babies. Take frequent rests during the day, too, putting your feet up, or if you can, lying on your left side. Shoot for three mini-naps every day.
  • Think about visiting a perinatologist, or maternal-fetal medicine (MFM) specialist, an obstetrician who specializes in high-risk pregnancies. (And, yes, if you’re carrying twins you’re considered “high risk” regardless of your age.) You can use a perinatologist as either your primary-care physician or as a consultant. Either way, it’s great to have an extra set of eyes trained to spot potential problems.

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If you’d like more information on your twin pregnancy, check out my book, Double Duty: The Parents’ Guide to Raising Twins, From Pregnancy Through the School Years, now in its second edition. Or, visit the Twin Pregnancy page on my website Talk About Twins.

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February 28, 2012

How to Help Your Twins Develop an Emotional Backbone

While I was out for my early morning walk the other day, it suddenly hit me that my twins had to wear neckties to school that day. You see, they attend a Catholic high school and it was Ash Wednesday, a mass day. One problem. I left before everyone was out of bed and I’m the only one in the house who knows how to tie a tie! The only female. (Yes, not even my husband.) So I did what any other mother would have done in my position–I took off running towards home hoping to catch them before they left for school. As I was huffing and puffing, pushing myself up and down my neighborhood’s hilly streets to get there in time, I thought, “Why am I trying to save them?” If I keep making life easy for them, how will they ever learn to fend for themselves?

For better or worse, we all want to protect and shelter our kids from physical harm, emotional pain, and failure. We hate to see them hurt or sad. It’s normal. But when you’re a parent to multiples, there’s that added impulse to try to keep things balanced within the twinship, too. You want to make everything fair, fifty-fifty, even-steven for fear that if not, one twin will feel slighted. Many twins are indoctrinated to this line of thinking early in their lives. If one twin is invited to a birthday party, for instance, many parents of multiples will simply pick up the phone and politely ask if it’s OK for the uninvited twin to tag along as well. It’s seems unfair to have one twin sad when it’s an easy fix, right?

But many parents continue this balancing act throughout their multiples’ childhood. One mom told me that when only one of her twins was accepted into the gifted program at school while the other was not, she chose not to tell either of her children and secretly declined the offer for fear that if only one enrolled in the program it would set off a rivalry between her sons. Another mom told me that when her twins’ school had a limited number of available spaces for an upcoming science fair with the lucky participants chosen by lottery, she convinced their teacher to put both boys’ names on a single entry.

I truly do understand these moms’ impulses. But there’s a question that begs to be asked: When we even the playing field for our twins, what’s the message we’re sending them? Don’t worry, your twinship will protect you from many disappointments? As adults we all know that life is anything but fair so why do we try to shelter our twins a bit more than if they were singletons? As parents to multiples, it’s our responsibility–however difficult–to help our twins and triplets develop an emotional backbone so that down the road when life really hands them a disappointment (college rejection, failed relationship, missed job promotion) they can shake it off and move on rather than feel immobilized by it. When one twin succeeds where the other fails, instead of trying to fix it, offer a hug and comforting words instead. Don’t deny the opportunity for the twin who failed to feel the rejection. Allow him to feel the disappointment, to live it. Sympathize with the hurt twin, or share a story of when you were in a similar situation and then move on. He will get through it and be stronger for it!

So did I get back to the house in time to save my twins from after-school detention, the consequence for not wearing a tie to school that day?

Yes and no.

Just as I got to the bottom of the hill near my house, I saw our car turning the corner and I frantically began waving my arms. They saw me and pulled over. They smiled at me dressed in their starched white shirts and perfectly tied ties! I was shocked.

“How did you do it?” I asked.

My son in the front seat laughed mockingly, “It’s called YouTube, Mom.”

Pretty resourceful. Perhaps I should hang up my Super Hero cape and call it a day.

* * *

For more information on twins and fairness, check out my book, Parenting School-Age Twins and Multiples or the School-Age Twins page on my website, Talk About Twins.

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February 14, 2012

Twins Always Have a Play Mate: A Double-Edge Sword?

When you’re the parent to young twins or triplets, you rarely if ever hear the words, “I’m bored. Can you play with me?” Having built-in play mates is a definite perk when you’re a busy parent of multiples. Young twins and triplets can entertain each other for hours giving you a moment to catch your breath, or at the very least, to make dinner in peace. It’s a given that if you have twins, they will delight and distract each other for blissful periods of time, but is there a downside to this birthing bonus bestowed to families of multiples?

It think so.

When your twins spend so much time together, they miss out on something else–you. Sure, you take them out for an afternoon of errands or to the library for story time–and that’s a wonderful way to spend the day with your kids–but it’s just not the same as the one-on-one interaction you get by simply sitting on the floor and entering their imaginary world of play.

All children, multiples included, benefit from floor time with Mom or Dad, an activity that singleton children experience way more often with their parents. Experts say that when parents participate in child-directed play where the child calls the shots (and not you), it not only aids in his or her emotional development but also builds social skills including language, especially important for multiples. Furthermore, one-on-one unstructured play nurtures that all-important parent-child bond–a relationship component that’s not always easy for a mom who gives birth to more than one baby at a time!

But don’t get me wrong–like many other moms, I was never a big fan of floor time. Building with Lego bricks? Again? Do we have to? Rolling trucks up and down the hallway? Really? There were many times when I just couldn’t bear constructing one more block tower and I would encourage my twins to play with each other instead of me. Once they were actively engaged, I’d then sneak off to do other household chores or work on my writing.

But there’s more.

When multiples play together day-in and day-out, never requesting play dates with other children, they become somewhat isolated from the outside world as their parents get more and more complacent. Since their twins are perfectly content to play with each other why bother going out? (Never mind the logistics of getting two twin toddlers out the door in a timely manner!) But moms of single-born children don’t have that luxury. Moms of single-born kids need to set up play dates with other same-age children out of necessity. Parents with multiples? Not so much. They simply don’t have the same urgency–their kids are happy to play with just each other.

But the long-term outcomes can be very different. While single-born children are building a roster of friends from various groups and activities, multiples on the other hand, tend to have fewer outside friendships. And when twins finally do get together with other kids, sometimes they inadvertently ignore them. Maybe you’ve seen it? Twins get in “the zone” with each other, intuitively understanding the nuances of their make-believe games. It then takes a special kind of kid to break the code and enter their “twin sanctum.” Some kids figure out the rules and join in the fun but others don’t and walk away in frustration.

So what’s the take-away from all this? Twins and triplets need lots of social interaction, not just with kids their own age but with their parents as well. Don’t wait for an invitiation to join in their fun.

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For more information, check out my book, Parenting School-Age Twins and Multiples, or visit the toddler twins page on my website Talk About Twins.

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January 30, 2012

Your Twin Pregnancy–Week Four to Five

Welcome to Part Two of a new series called Your Twin Pregnancy. Click here to read the last post, Your Twin Pregnancy–Week Two.

Week Four to Five

You may be pregnant with twins but at Week Four, you still don’t know it yet. Yup, that stick definitely turned blue this morning indicating that you’ve got a bun in the oven but it’s still too soon to tell that you’re having twins. More surprises are on the horizon in the weeks to come!

Once your shouts of joy have subsided, your first order of business is to call your OB/GYN to schedule a blood test to confirm your pregnancy suspicion. (You won’t get any face time with the doctor, however. This is purely a fact-finding mission, with the blood test administered by a technician or nurse.) The test measures the concentration of human chorionic gonadotropin (hCG), a hormone released once the fertilized egg moves down the fallopian tube, implants on the uterine wall and the placenta begins to develop. The amount of the hormone grows exponentially during the first few weeks of your pregnancy, peaking between Week 12 to 14. So what does hCG have to do with a twin pregnancy? An elevated level of the hormone is one of the first indications that a woman is carrying twins.

If your hCG level registers unusually high, you may get a phone call from your doctor’s office asking you to come back in for a follow-up blood test. No need to worry as it’s merely given again to determine whether or not you miscalculated the date of your last period, subsequently skewing the test results, or if you’re in fact pregnant with twins. But hold on a minute! Before you start celebrating your double blessing, dial it back just a bit as a lot can happen this early in a twin pregnancy, namely, Vanishing Twin Syndrome.

Vanishing Twin Syndrome is a phenomenon that occurs when one twin fetus fails to thrive and spontaneously aborts during the first few weeks of pregnancy. The fetus is then adsorbed back into the mother’s body often before she even knows that she’s pregnant. An early ultrasound where two gestational sacs are visible can suddenly show only one sac just a few weeks later. It’s definitely one of the disadvantages of an early twin pregnancy diagnosis. Some scientists believe VTS is so common that they debate whether doctors should wait a prescribed number of weeks before even telling a patient she’s pregnant with twins! U.S. researcher Dr. Charles Boklage, for instance, believes that for every set of twins born in the world, there are approximately nine other pairs where only one twin survives and is subsequently born a singleton. Furthermore, researcher Althea Hayton also believes the syndrome is widespread and that many people roaming this planet, one in ten in fact, are “womb twin survivors.” But not everyone is onboard with the high rate of Vanishing Twins Syndrome. In fact, researchers in Australia found that women pregnant with twins have no less chance of survival than singleton pregnancies.

But the question still remains: Would it be better to learn of a twin pregnancy early even if there’s a chance of losing one twin in the coming weeks? Would finding out early about a twin pregnancy only to be told a few weeks later that you were now having a singleton ruin the whole pregnancy experience for you? Is it better not to know until the twin pregnancy is well established?

Tough call.

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If you’d like more information on your twin pregnancy, check out my book, Double Duty: The Parents’ Guide to Raising Twins, From Pregnancy Through the School Years, now in its second edition. Or, visit the Twin Pregnancy page on my website Talk About Twins. 

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January 21, 2012

Develop Your Twins’ Speech with More Face Time

As young twins are more prone to speech delay than single-born children, it’s important that parents of multiples “talk it up” with their babies every day to help develop their children’s language skills. And while that’s still great advice for parents of twins, fascinating new research shows it’s only half the story. Scientists from Florida Atlantic University found that around age six months, babies turn their gaze from the eyes to the mouths of their caretakers. As babies watch Mom and Dad talk to them, they’re learning how to shape their lips in order to make the sounds they’re hearing.

In other words, babies learn language by reading lips! Speech development isn’t just audio, but it’s video, too!

Photo courtesy of phanlop88 / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Furthermore, the researchers found that it doesn’t take babies very long to master this skill as their gaze once again returns to Mom and Dad’s eyes around age one, just about the time that most form their first words.

So what can parents of twins, triplets and higher-order multiples learn from this new research? Quality face time is vitally important in speech and language development.

Twins and higher-order multiples are more susceptible to language delays. At 30 months old, for instance, many male twins are approximately eight months behind their singleton counterparts in expressive language. (Female twins fare a bit better.) Multiples have a tougher time in general articulating words often leaving off the first or last consonant and often speak in less complex sentences. Unfortunately, delayed speech can have a huge impact on future learning as language acquisition is strongly tied to success in reading, writing, and even spelling.

No one knows for sure why twins have a higher incidence of speech delay but we do have a few theories. For instance, since many twins instinctively understand each other’s gestures and even grunts, they have less incentive to learn to speak. There’s simply not a need. Furthermore, parents of multiples often feel overwhelmed and rushed or often can’t devote enough one-on-one time with each twin or triplet. They may speak in directives (“Come here,” or “Hungry?”) rather than full sentences (“John, please come over here to Mom,” or “Would like something to eat?).

So how can you help to make sure your twins are on the path to proper speech development?

  • Use the little one-on-one time you do have with each multiple every day to your advantage. While changing diapers, for instance, face your baby and narrate what you’re doing. Remember, according to this research, language is part audio and video. They need to hear your words and see your mouth.
  • Give eye contact to the child that’s speaking and allow each child the chance to ask for what they need separately rather than having one twin act as the “spokesperson” for the pair. Never allow one twin to speak for the other.
  • Singing and reading aloud are not only fun but enormously helpful in learning speech.
  • Gently correct syntax errors by repeating your child’s sentence using the proper words. (“Oh, you said you’d like to go outside to play?”)
  • Surround your children with a large social network of family and friends of all ages. The more interaction they have with others, the better. Consider enrolling them in preschool, too.
  • Don’t rely on TV as a substitute as it’s not nearly as effective as Mom or Dad’s attention.

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If you’d like more information on your twins upcoming school years, check out my book, Parenting School-Age Twins and Multiples. Or, visit the School-Age Twins page on my website Talk About Twins.

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